And I really wish I wasn’t. Because nerves mean I care and it is better to not care. Because if you don’t care then you can’t really be disappointed, right?
I’ve had my DNA tested on 2 different sites and uploaded my results onto a third in the hopes of finding some kind of paternal relative. So far, out of thousands of DNA matches (thanks, Ashkenazi genes), I’ve only gotten one significant match. It is labelled as a first cousin, but I suspect this guy is maybe my great uncle. Sadly, he refuses to talk to me. At all.
Today 23andMe is changing their settings- everyone who never opted in to see close relatives will automatically be opted in (unless they’ve opted out in the past month, I think). This means if I have any close relatives who tested but never wanted to see close relatives, they might appear on the site- on my list- today.
So, I’m nervous. And I wish I wasn’t. Because chances are a close match will not magically pop up for me in the next 24 hours. But I can’t turn the “what if…” off in my brain. And I just don’t want to feel disappointed and alone again.